Is it okay to say 'I just can't be ars*d'?

I may as well begin by acknowledging I fell at the first hurdle! Anyone more on the ball than myself may have noticed I'm a little over my bi-weekly goal...although this was in part due to being locked out of my account, my forgetfulness does take some responsibility. However, in the spirit of current proceedings, I'm giving myself grace on the matter and will try again!

It's a Monday and over the past few months or so I have found the classic Monday morning doom of a new working week commencing has been replaced with a feeling entirely different; I rather feel excited and intrigued to see what this new week has to offer. I'm eager to make more headway in my plans, to see what new opportunities may arise and importantly, it seems I am simply enjoying living my life. Well, if that isn't some definition of success then I don't know what is. That is not to say that each week doesn't come with a whole new assortment of frenzied thoughts, dipping and diving from 'I am totally killing this' through to 'what the actual f**k am I doing' like a school of highly confused fish. This is also true, but at least we set off on positive footing!

Wedding antics complete, and a wider than ever future ahead of me, I opened my notebook, got out my coloured pens and 'got organised'. The inverted commas here allude to the practice of procrastination à la make cute notes with coloured pens resulting in a misplaced sense that you have your life together. I know I'm not the only one.

One of the goals I set myself was to resume efforts on the old social media. It's not going well. I have spent more time looking at other people smashing the social media game, thinking 'how do you do that?', than just doing it. I did a really good stint for about a year where I posted pretty much every day on TikTok, but I stopped because the pros and cons were so grossly imbalanced I just couldn't justify the cost it was having on my time and wellbeing. Nevertheless, when you're constantly active on social media, it does become easier. I found that my brain was like a radar, always scanning for new ideas, and I got less precious about what I posted. I just couldn't find a way to positively sustain this.

When I tried to resume posting to TikTok the other week, I posted two videos, one of which got hardly any views, and the noticeable shift in my mood and attention really shocked me. This sense of failure sat in the dimly lit corner of my consciousness for at least 24 hours, and I was reminded why I stepped away from it in the first place. I retreated again, but now I can't help but feel frustrated that the affect it has on me is great enough to deter me at such a deep internal level. Maybe it's the rejection I am currently feeling for putting myself out there. In this new space I am in, my introvert feels such relief with the permission to keep myself to myself, cocooned in my safe little bubble where no one can judge me *she says while writing her feelings for anyone and everyone*!

Still, frustration stands firm as despite my shift in focus, social media continues to have the potential to be hugely instrumental in the success of my career. I seek out accounts that inspire me, and often find myself feeling enthused to create similar content and reach similar goals, which all feels great and exciting. And then the known reality of making such content seeps in, the hours spent editing, and the disappointment when no one cares, and my honest thought; 'I just can't be ars*d'. Is that bad? I'm trying to decipher whether that truly is because I'm a lazy toe-rag, or because for whatever reason, it's just not for me right now and I ought to respect that. To do what I can as and when I need or want to, but pay heed to what my mind is telling me and, as we must keep reminding ourselves, give myself grace.

For now, I continue to put one foot in front of the other, taking it all in as I go and will leave you this week with a positive consequence of social media; a random discovery that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because it was just so cute and creative.

Sending love always,

Molly. X