Well, goodbye 2020! It’s a brand-new year and I haven’t written in a while so now felt like a good time to get some thoughts out. I started this blog as a way of sharing my journey through life as a young adult and aspiring creative, fumbling my way through a pandemic. Yet, as with many aspects of my career, I seem to get bogged down by a desire to ensure everything is perfect, maybe more than perfect. Special? Somehow different to what everyone else is saying, doing, posting. I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about what profound topic I could write about next…there is nothing profound about my life, nor do I have anything profound to say…and so I say nothing at all. I agree that it’s important to have something unique to offer the world, and to take care when presenting yourself and your art, but my best mate spends hours watching YouTube videos of people cleaning their room. Perhaps it’s not the be all and end all, all of the time. And so, in a bid to stop being so pedantic, perfectionist and actually do what I set out to do, here’s a little brain dump to kick off 2021.
The start of this year has had its up’s and down’s already, but last week was a good week. I caught up with the people I love, and had some much-needed conversations. Sometimes, when feeling a bit gloomy, you don’t see what’s in your way until conversation illuminates the dark room of your mind. Expressing your thoughts can feel much like scanning the pitch-black with a torch. Sometimes the pressures you feel from others aren’t as big and scary as you thought. Sometimes you realise you’re not alone.
I was much more successful in achieving my new year’s resolution; doing an hour of piano/singing a day. I’m going right back to the foundations on which my musical mansion was built in the hope that with solidified foundations, maybe the mansion won’t feel so wobbly! It strikes me that now singing is my job, I don’t spend nearly as much time as I should, singing for the fun of it! Singing a random song just because I want to and not because I think it would be good content needs to happen more in my life. I should note, I absolutely have not abstained from singing around the house, however this is often limited to the riff that I don’t know very well from Sir Duke, or the only two lines I know from the Piano Man (I’m not sure why). Additionally, the more comfortable I get in my current café job, the louder I sing along to the music. Unfortunately, the other day this resulted in being completely busted belting it out to En Vogue by a customer. I was, and still am, absolutely mortified. I also really enjoy playing the piano, which too has got lost somewhere down the line. I have been learning a bluesy tune and can just about get through it now, with many mistakes and pauses. But I will persevere and it’s going to be flawless by the end of the month. You heard it here first!
I’ve finally finished the dress I’ve been working on for a while now. It has been through many design adaptations, on account of making a start with covid brain; a fog of complete uselessness. I originally intended for it to have a cross over back but when I cut the back pieces the same way, instead of opposite, that plan went out the window! From then it’s been a rollercoaster of ideas, fails, unintended successes and a bit of good luck. Now that it’s complete, I feel it’s even better than my initial design and I love that. I remember my mum saying that the universe is always bigger than our imagination. Worth remembering, I feel. Not only did I successfully create the dress, I also managed to make a TikTok which goes through the whole process in 40 seconds, it's quite something and if you wish to check it out, it's on my social media!
Amongst all of this, I am lucky enough to have retained my café job, giving me a much-appreciated reason to leave the house and get a change of scenery. Progress is being made towards the next single which is super exciting! I now have 4 vocal students and nestled amid many things that I don’t feel so great at right now, this has offered a bud of purpose and value to my life. I have found it very rewarding seeing people progress and get pleasure out of singing, and as with my New Year’s resolution, it brings me back to all the fundamental elements that make me love it so much. I have yet again bid a begrudged farewell to the gigs I had booked in, but I will be back and when I am, I’m going to blow the lights out.
To everyone out there struggling right now, please know you’re not alone. I often find myself thinking I am the only one failing at life, that everyone else seems to be doing quite well, progressing in various ways. But after investing in some catch up time the past few weeks, I have found with absolute certainty that this is not the case. Firstly, we are not failing. Everyone’s life has been put on hold in some capacity, some more than others, but the lack of progression does not equate to failure. Secondly, social media is not an accurate portrayal of people’s lives and, while difficult at times, comparing your life to the ones you see on Instagram is only going to result in dissatisfaction. These are tough days for many, but stick together and once it’s all over, life is going to burst at the seams with all the many pleasures that we once took for granted. I can’t wait!